“Let’s go on a walk to the place between the trees,” my daughter said. It’s a place my kids like to play. It’s a secret hidden in plain sight, a magical place in our neighborhood, this place between the trees. To adults that pass by, however, I suppose the magic remains hidden, but of course that’s half the fun. We’ve startled unsuspecting dog-walkers before, those who had no idea we were lurking between the trees.
Oh yes, it’s pure magic to any child. It’s a double line of trees that separates the residential from the commercial property at the bottom of the hill. When you step inside, it’s a different world.
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We go in and Lucy checks to make sure her secret rock is still securely in the place she left it. Nathanael begins climbing the trees, something he has rarely had an opportunity to do as our yard has no climbing trees. Nicholas takes off running when he finds that he can’t yet climb quite like his big brother.
Nathanael makes it pretty high and yells, “I LOVE BEING UP HERE!”
It’s so satisfying to watch children play. It’s what they do best, and it’s essential to let them play unhindered. Because, after all, “play is the work of children.”1 It is where children learn “success and failure in a low-stakes environment.”2 They learn from their actions, what works, what doesn’t. They can fail without any significant repercussions and this gives them the tools they need for living in the world as they grow older.
The Anxious Generation and Play
Ok, ok, we all know children love to play. So why am I telling you this?3
I started a new book called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt and I’m now of the mindset that this is essential reading for every parent, teacher, school administrator, or anyone who works with children - and it’s on my heart to tell you a bit about why.
This book explains what the “Great Rewiring” of our children has done to their mental health. In other words, giving our children uninhibited access to the internet and social media via smartphones during their most vulnerable and developmental years has been detrimental to their mental health. But it isn’t the internet alone. It’s the combination of “overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the virtual word.”4
The Anxious Generation sets out to explain why the play-based childhood has declined, how children were rewired by a phone-based childhood, and what we can do about it now.
Today I’m going to talk a bit more about play. Next time, I will talk a bit more about the “Great Rewiring,” but ultimately, you need to read for yourself because he shares the intricate connections and events that have led us to this place.
…Back to Play
Haidt starts by telling us that play is essential for the development of a child. They need free, unhindered, uninhibited, unguided play because there are so many things children need to learn through play. To name a few - they learn social skills and conflict resolution. They learn to connect, synchronize and take turns with one another. They learn their local cultural norms.5
And for much of history, children had the opportunity to do just that, play without adults hijacking it. Kids ran off to play and came back home when the streetlights turned on. But then Haidt makes the argument that sometime in the 1990’s parenting became much more “intensive, protective, and fearful.”6
Stop and reflect…
Have you sensed this fearful overprotection in your own journey of parenthood? Have you ever felt fearful because of something you read online? Afraid of this or that terrible thing happening to your child if you turn your back for a moment? Felt unable to trust other adults to help look out for your children? How did it affect your ability to parent?
There are many factors that contribute to this mentality (which he lays out in great detail and with the support of many studies), but “when adults step away and stop helping each other to raise children, parents find themselves on their own. Parenting becomes harder, more fear ridden, and more time consuming, especially for women…”7
Stop and reflect…
Have you ever felt isolated as a parent? Needing more support or community in the really difficult phases of parenthood? Feeling burnt out or needing rest? Or perhaps simply feeling like you had to do it alone? In many ways I believe that this decline of community or our “village” has contributed to these feelings, but it wasn’t always like that. We need each other!
In addition, we live in a world where it’s expected that we don’t let our children play on their own. They must be protected at all costs, no matter what. Safety is the god. I have felt the anxiety of this mentality time and time again! At this phase of parenthood, I have three littles. I am hardly in a place where I can let a one and three year old outside alone for any length of time. But my six year old is getting to the point where I feel much more comfortable letting her play outside or in her bedroom on her own as well as help out with her younger siblings, and I’m sure that will only increase with age.
The Trouble with This Mentality
Haidt is hardly making the argument that parents should leave their children to their own devices. He is, however, making the argument that it is necessary for children to learn without adults trying to step in an fix every little thing, every conflict, every injury, every struggle, because how else will they grow?
This idea is very similar to our immune systems. If our immune systems never get a workout (remember how we isolated everyone for two years during COVID?), what happens when they are exposed to illnesses? Our year after isolation was an absolute disaster. We got awful illnesses one after another for a solid nine months. And the next year after that was almost as bad. Kids need to get sick or they will never build their immune systems.
Children also need to explore and struggle and deal with difficulties to build up their confidence, to learn, to know they can return to their parents for comfort and reassurance, and go out and do it all again. This play helps children develop strong foundations and strong root systems that will help them withstand the storms and trials of adolescence and adult life.
Let them Play
So, the moral of the story? Let the children play. Don’t fall prey to a world that makes safety the god. Supervise when you must, and obviously, small children can’t be left alone to their own devices, but older children can and should be given the space to play.
Let your kids run and play and explore the magical spaces between the trees. Let them wander and wonder and create. Let them fight and figure out how to resolve the conflict with their friends. Let them fall and get scratched up a bit. Let them learn how to pick themselves up and keep going. Let them jump off of swings and roll down hills. Let the children do the work they were created to do - let the children play.
Taking it to Prayer
In many ways, all of this hearkens back to the idea of surrender. How well do we surrender ourselves to God? How well do we surrender our children to God? Do we micromanage their every moment — their schedules, their play, their learning? Or do we allow them freedom to grow and develop into their own human being? Do we allow them the space to get bored and create their own fun?
Take some time in prayer with this idea. Allow yourself to be God’s child. Rest in his arms. What is he showing you?
Final Thoughts?
I’d love to share even more, but I also don’t want to bog you down because there’s a lot of good stuff in this book. I want to share some of the highlights of what I’ve read so far and whet your appetite enough for you to consider reading The Anxious Generation.
Do you have any thoughts about Haidt’s ideas or conclusions?
Can you relate to any of this?8
Feel free to start a conversation in the comments below!
Quote often attributed to either Maria Montessori or Jean Piaget.
Jonathan Haidt. The Anxious Generation. (New York, NY: Penguin Press, 2024), 52.
This post is a departure from my typical holiness of motherhood/parenthood content. I have felt so convicted by this book, however, that I feel compelled to share it with you! Thank you for bearing with me as I share this.
Ibid., 9.
Ibid., 65-66.
Ibid., 83.
Ibid., 87.
Check out this video if you feel overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood today:
This has been on my TBR list for the summer ever since I listened to his podcast with Ginny of 1000 Hours outside. Putting it on hold at the library ASAP.